Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers

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  1. The interesting new stew you’ve been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
  2. One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spell book.
  3. They’re building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it’s ‘modern art’.
  4. One of them asks you for a donation for the ‘Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers’ fund.
  5. Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
  6. At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
  7. People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
  8. The mayor declares a special ‘Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal’ day, in your honor.
  9. Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
  10. The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.

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Source: 3rd Edition Palace of D&D

Top Ten Signs You Just Met The Main Bad Guy

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😉 You’d better run when:

  1. Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.
  2. The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says

    S**t, I’m out of here!

    and flies away.

  3. The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
  4. The DM chuckles, and says

    I spent seven hours rolling this guy up.

  5. The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
  6. The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
  7. The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
  8. You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
  9. The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
  10. After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.

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Source: 3rd Edition Palace of D&D

Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much DnD

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  1. Someone says ‘Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?’, and you reply ‘Those aren’t tattoos, they’re die imprints.’
  2. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years – and you haven’t.
  3. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
  4. You’ve been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
  5. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG… but you can’t remember how many kids you have.
  6. You sign personal correspondences with your character’s name.
  7. After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language – words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
  8. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say ‘Dude, get a grip’.
  9. Your ‘If I won the lottery’ plans involve creating: (a) a really cool DnD room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play DnD for real.
  10. You’d rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.

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Source: 3rd Edition Palace of D&D

Famous last D&D words

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Of course it’s evil, kill it!

It can’t talk to us like that!

What do you mean, how many hit points do I have?

Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?

No really. I can do this.

Okay, if I max out this round and win initiative next round, maybe…

I open the coffin…SLOWLY.

Boost me up.

You mean it was a GOOD dragon?

I’ll steal the 20+ level mage’s pouch.

What the hell, there’s six of us and only five type VI demons.

A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich.

Hey, all I need is a two or better to save versus poison.

YO! Grendel! Your momma wears combat boots!

I dunno what a tarrasque is, but it can’t be TOO tough.

What do you mean, the dragon wakes up?

Wait! What do deathspells do?

Go ahead and drink it.

I’ll never surrender.

It was a joke.

Hey guys, where are you?

I mix the potions and drink.

There’s no such thing as a bottomless pit. Everybody knows that.

Featherball! I mean, featherrrr……..

Do you realize what you just did?

Tell me this is an illusion.

What do you mean, my spell expired.

I’ll cast Fireball.

Let’s go in.

Let’s not go in.

I follow them.

I stab the dragon and tell it to get off me.

I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it’s the extra-healing potion.

I kill it.

No problem.

Let me handle this.

Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?

What a useless scroll. It just says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and over again…

I though YOU brought the food!

Why is your torch flame turning blue?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Trust me.

I never get lost.

He hit me for HOW MUCH?????

They’re only kobolds!

Hey, this chest just bit me!

I try to move silently in plate armor…

I didn’t find any traps!

Wonder what this button does?

Don’t worry, he’s probably just first level.

This 250′ wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb.

I’ll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror.

Can I eat this green slime?

What’s your alignment?

My character WANTS to go out in a blaze of glory.

I’ll just walk up to the dragon invisibly.

Why is this man speaking in sign language?

This type of undead can’t drain levels.

I’ll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!

We’re in luck! The dragon is sleeping.

That’s only a statue.

There’s no trap on the door, so let’s open it.

I have this dungeon at home, I know where everything is!

Don’t worry, the DM won’t hose me.

The DM’s an idiot.

We’ll untie the prisoners and lock them in the closet.

I see HOW MANY wights?!

It was only the wind.

Don’t worry, wyverns don’t attack unless they’re provoked.

You watch the door, I’ll take out the Gas Spore (Beholder) that’s guarding the treasure.

A Nightmare, huh? I’ll attack for one round and prepare to run.

I’ll take off my armor so I’m silent and slip past the dragon.

They need a twenty to hit me, I’m invincible.

I throw a rock at the eight-legged lizard to get it’s attention.

Who’s the bitch with the spiders?

We killed all monsters on this level.

I’ve been here before. There are no traps in this section.

Well …, I’ll touch it again.

I’ll scout ahead.

I attempt to disbelieve.

I know if I draw a card I’ll get the VOID.

My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me? OK, I shoot again!

Where’d that thief go now?

Hey guys…wait up.

Trap? What trap?

So what?

Ya know, since our druid’s been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him right if we set his precious forest on fire.

A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard’s magical construct. Let’s kill it.

OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you’re not gonna answer my prayers, I’m gonna tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!

No, I’m sure there’s some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell won’t work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I’ll prove it.

Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard. I’d better wash it off after we kill this fire lizard.

Well, we know he’s LAWFUL evil, so he should keep his word when he promised not to betray us.

So I’m safely across the pit? Whew! For a minute there I was worried that you might remember my encumbrance penalties.

Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead! Maybe they can help heal our wounded!

Don’t worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my level, are infinite small.

Well, *I* trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn’t trapped, that’s good enough for me.

So that giant fell into the pit? I’ll jump over it and get his treasure.

Me first. Me first.

Try me, sh*t breath!

Oops, sorry…didn’t mean to disturb you.

Come on, we haven’t found any traps so far.

Diamonds … Gold… Saphires!!! Terry! Terry, we’re rich, we’re rich, we’re fabulously wealthy!!!! Terry…Terry…??

Let’s walk this way.

Hey folks, follow me, I remember the way to the dungeon exit.

I never get to have any fun!

You mean they get to use the critical hit chart too?

Hey, I know a dragon when I see one.

What do you mean the whole room we’re in detects as a trap?

Hey you! Frost Giant! How’s the weather up there?

Just watch, I bet I get the one item that’s cursed.

I’m invincible!

A sign labeled ‘pit’? I walk up to it.

No problem. That’s easy!

Hah! I’m not dead yet. I still have five hit points.

I don’t care. I have a Ring of Regeneration.

Yeah, I know it’s dangerous, but think of the experience points.

I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up.

I wonder what’s in here?

He wouldn’t try that trick again!

Just because you’re a dragon doesn’t mean you can push ME around.

What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty…

I’ll open it.

It seems easy enough.

I think he can be trusted.

Those noises are probably nothing.

I’ll pull the lever.

Money!

Magic is for wimps.

Oh. He’ll miss. Just look at my AC.

Hey, where’d all the big spiders come from?

AGAIN!?!?!

I’ll use my taunt skill.

Your mother was a Gully Dwarf.

My God will protect me.

You don’t look like a mage!

It’d be stupid to trap this!

Here, hold this rope while I go down.

Well, if you didn’t belch, who did?

I know an illusion when I see one.

There’s a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe.

I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly.

Lightning bolts don’t ricochet off stone walls, do they?

A ballista? What’s that? How many dice of damage does it do?

So what if he calls the guard? A backwater town like this can’t have a very big militia.

What do you mean, ‘Your wand ran out of charges’?

Oh these, I’ve fought them before…”=

He looks like a sunburnt elf?

All that noise we heard and there’s only one drow here?

You’d have to be a GOD to smile after that hit!

Take out a Beholder’s eyes, and Bingo!

I can’t possibly miss…

I go through the door… Wait, I check for traps!

Don’t be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you.

Is this one really able to breath fire?

What do you mean, ‘How many hit points do I have RIGHT NOW??

Come on, EVERY evil wizard’s tomb has a way out!

It can’t be a beholder, we’re only first level!

When nobody’s looking, I go back to get some more gems.

It’s an illusion. No spell can reshape the side of a mountain like that. I disbelieve and walk off the 500’ cliff.

He’s only an ordinary 15th level magic user.

CLICK! What do you mean, ‘The trap WASN’T armed.’? What was that Remove Traps roll for anyway!?

How was I to know that that orc would tell the truth about us not wanting to come in here!

What do you mean, ‘Green slime ain’t always green.’?

Nah…the game’s just started… he wouldn’t put a fatal death trap in yet.

You don’t get Humanoid 8th level wizards. He’s only bluffing.

(To Angry Red Dragon) Did anyone tell you you had bad breath?

There’s HOW many Githyanki sleeping bunks in this chamber?

A red WHAT swoops out of the sky at us?

I’ll swim across.

I throw the rock into the dark cave.

I run down the hallway alone.

I’ll use the wand of wonder.

I want to check out the magic tome.

Hmm…I’ll try Chain Lightning.

Ok, the dragon’s asleep. You guys wait back here with bows and stuff. Getafix and I will go up in front of it and cast light on it’s eyes to blind him, then we’ll blow his brains out with psionics.

Garth, you be the anchor. I tie the rope around myself, take the slack [700′] and jump in.

There’s only ten kobolds and there’s eight of us. Attack!

I dive through the fire.

Follow those lights!

There’s a company of 100 barbarians guarding the pass. ‘I don’t think they want us to cross these mountains.’ ‘So what?’

It’s only a naga.

I’m not going to waste spells on THEM!

That’s right, I’m going to polymorph into a pergrine falcon and attempt to land on the back of one of the 12 griffons flying above us.

I think we can take it down.

There only a pack of kobolds.

Does a three save?

C’mon guys – he can’t kill all of us!

I use animal empathy to calm the charging Triceratops.

There’s only three of them. Watch the one that looks like Death, though.

Just because you can breathe fire doesn’t mean you can push *us* around.

Hmm…how do we know you are the REAL Angel of Death?

Hey, it’s only a black dragon, a vampire, and a lich…. and we’ve got a horn of bubbles!

I sneak up to the Lich and pick its pockets.

This is a wimp dungeon.

What does this lever do?

If I were you, Demon, I would sit back down!

That purple robe really clashes with your burning eyes…

Bow to a Demon? Never!

Elminster, you old fart, I thought you were really mad for a minute.

What do you mean I turn into a bug?

Oh, please! Vampires have so many weaknesses, you can’t help but kill them!

What do mean feather fall wears off?

Okay, we’ll attack the small boulette first.

What do you mean, the Wall of Ice vanishes?

They CAN’T have initiative!

You’ve got 80 hit points; YOU open the treasure chest.

The Hall of Blades? Hey, I’ve got an 18 dex.

What do you mean my axe bounces off him? What’s Stoneskin do anyway?

C’mon guys… how bad could it be?!

Cmon guys, it was only a rumor, there’s nothing here.

So what, I have the artifact!

Ok, so theres a few more of them.

But I just got a little prick!

Did he say he had Plate Mail +5? I stop running and fight him!

Hey, do you guys think that this might just be an illusio… (whack)

I pick the lock on the magic shop window.

We charge!

And the ultimate famous last word:

Oops.

Which ones did you use and lived to tell? 😉

Source: Third edition palace of D&D

To pass the time

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Only a month to go to our next D&D session in the weekend of October 6&7th. So I’d better start working on the reports, or my DM will make up all sorts of nastiness to punish me ingame. And we can’t have that 😉 The Drow world is harsh enough as it is.

To pass the time, here’s a great post on Cracked.com:

It starts with:

D&D, the game that lets you save the maiden, slay a dragon and become a hero; all without leaving your kitchen table.

Just The Facts

  1. Dungeons and Dragons was created by the team of Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson, and first published in 1974 by Tactical Studies Rules, Inc. (TSR).
  2. Is credited with being the first modern role playing game, and spawning an entire multibillion dollar industry. If you play WoW, your addiction started in a box in 1974.
  3. Has been the source material for some of the best and worst novels, movies, video games, comic books and cartoons ever produced.
  4. Has a higher nerd to norm ratio of enthusiasts that can be found anywhere outside a Comic Book Convention or high school chess club.

Cracked on Dungeons and Dragons

The world of Dungeons and Dragons is not actually one world at all, but a nearly infinite number of realms and universes, all with spell casters, valiant warriors, and women with the most revealing chain mail bikinis ever imagined by the sordid minds of fourteen year old boys.

The official website describes D&D as “an imaginative, social experience that engages players in a rich fantasy world filled with larger-than-life heroes, deadly monsters, and diverse settings. As a hobby game, D&D is an ongoing activity to which players might devote hours of their time much like a weekly poker game, getting together with friends on a regular basis for weeks, months, or even years.”

And for our group, the D&D fun has been going strong for almost ten years!

Interesting article so far huh? It has much more information on D&D, its history, the dice, how to play, the DM. Go and read Dungeons and Dragons.

In the meantime I’ll be typing like a mad Drow Cleric, so next time you come over to Dungeon DuTchess, you can read more about our adventures in The Underdark.

D&D Jokes

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It was a long day at work and, in need of relaxation, I set out to find D&D humor. Here’s what I found:

An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.

The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.

The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.

The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, “Spit it all out you little *******!”

Another one:

An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, “Who’s dragon is that outside?”

An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies “Mine. Why?”

The bard somberly approaches the mage. “I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon”

“What!” erupts the archmage. “Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?”

The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies “Well…the little guy got stuck in its throat!”

Moral: Always chew your food.

Last:

Five things you DO NOT want your players to say:

  1. Ranger wearing plate mail in a misty echoing crypt: “I try to move silently”
  2. Apprentice to mage: “By the way master, I finally shot that pesky owl that kept following you around.”
  3. Party fighting a band of thieves in a 4x3x4m room, when the mage says, with serious tone: “Hell, I cast a fireball, THAT’ll teach’em.”
  4. Party laying on a hillside spying on the Imperial Army of Darkness commanded by Gul the Necromancer himself (+/- 10,000 troops): “Hmmm, if we attack from the rear, do we get bonuses on our attack roll??”
  5. Paladin as the lone survivor of a party of 7 facing an army of evil and undead creatures, which just slaughtered his fellow adventurers: “Huh, why should I run? I got protection from evil in a 15ft radius, THEY can’t touch me” (last words).

You will find more at Candlekeep.com