D&D Jokes

It was a long day at work and, in need of relaxation, I set out to find D&D humor. Here’s what I found:

An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.

The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.

The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.

The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, “Spit it all out you little *******!”

Another one:

An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, “Who’s dragon is that outside?”

An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies “Mine. Why?”

The bard somberly approaches the mage. “I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon”

“What!” erupts the archmage. “Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?”

The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies “Well…the little guy got stuck in its throat!”

Moral: Always chew your food.


Five things you DO NOT want your players to say:

  1. Ranger wearing plate mail in a misty echoing crypt: “I try to move silently”
  2. Apprentice to mage: “By the way master, I finally shot that pesky owl that kept following you around.”
  3. Party fighting a band of thieves in a 4x3x4m room, when the mage says, with serious tone: “Hell, I cast a fireball, THAT’ll teach’em.”
  4. Party laying on a hillside spying on the Imperial Army of Darkness commanded by Gul the Necromancer himself (+/- 10,000 troops): “Hmmm, if we attack from the rear, do we get bonuses on our attack roll??”
  5. Paladin as the lone survivor of a party of 7 facing an army of evil and undead creatures, which just slaughtered his fellow adventurers: “Huh, why should I run? I got protection from evil in a 15ft radius, THEY can’t touch me” (last words).

You will find more at Candlekeep.com

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